SAN JOSE, CA — In a surprise press conference held on the tarmac at San Jose Mineta Airport, Apple CEO Tim Cook unveiled iPlane, a sleek, minimalist aircraft that instantly triggered both industry buzz and industry panic. “All domestic tickets start at $3,900,” Cook announced, pausing for applause that did not come. “From there, customers…

McDonald’s fan favorite is back to critical acclaim. Experts warn that while the Snack Wrap might be savory and satisfying, using it as a password is McDumb. “We’re not saying people should be locked out of their bank accounts for this,” said one IT admin. “But we’re also not… not saying that.”

“It’s about creating a seamless brand experience,” says Elon Musk. The newly opened Tesla Diner & Charging Lounge allows patrons to cook their own meals with a scaled-down Cybertruck, with open flames fueled by what Tesla describes as a “proprietary lithium-ion sizzle system.” “We want customers to feel the heat of innovation. Literally,” said Elon…

Guess who’s on the Naughty List now…

Fisher-Price has launched its newest addition to early childhood development: the Lil’ Helpdesk, a brightly colored plastic workstation designed to introduce toddlers to the joys and traumas of frontline tech support. The interactive playset includes tiny dual monitors, a non-functioning ticketing system, a plastic headset that squeaks instead of working, and a customer on hold…

“I was just explaining our latency optimization,” she stammered, wiping sweat, “and suddenly I had to call NASA to tell them everything they know is wrong.” Sources confirm the Fortune 100 client was impressed… but still demanded a 10% discount.