Guess who’s on the Naughty List now…

Fisher-Price has launched its newest addition to early childhood development: the Lil’ Helpdesk, a brightly colored plastic workstation designed to introduce toddlers to the joys and traumas of frontline tech support. The interactive playset includes tiny dual monitors, a non-functioning ticketing system, a plastic headset that squeaks instead of working, and a customer on hold…

“I was just explaining our latency optimization,” she stammered, wiping sweat, “and suddenly I had to call NASA to tell them everything they know is wrong.” Sources confirm the Fortune 100 client was impressed… but still demanded a 10% discount.

Likely to dominate DIY market. And yes, there’s a coupon.

C-level Execs Urged Not to Bring Mistresses to Soft Rock Concerts. A newly issued Cybersecurity and Infrastructure Security Agency bulletin has network admins scrambling as the “ColdPlayX” ransomware variant spreads globally. Ransom notes on locked computer screens include Kiss Cam images of unfaithful executives and demand payments in Bitcoin. “This proves we’re not safe anywhere,”…

Seattle-based AI startup reveals the shocking truth: decades of mumbling lyrics were actually hiding Neil Diamond’s classic anthem. “We’ve run the song through our lyric analysis engine 14 times,” said the AI company’s founder, “and the bridge just keeps coming back as ‘Sweet Caroline.’” Coast to coast, hundreds of middle-aged men in cargo shorts have…

From the filmmaker who brought you The Civil War, Baseball, and Country Music — now comes the riveting story of unsolicited emails. Told through dramatic voice-overs, sepia-toned phishing attempts, and an original score by Yo-Yo Ma, SPAM chronicles the rise of junk mail, the fall of inbox zero, and the brave few who clicked “Report…