C-level Execs Urged Not to Bring Mistresses to Soft Rock Concerts.

A newly issued Cybersecurity and Infrastructure Security Agency bulletin has network admins scrambling as the “ColdPlayX” ransomware variant spreads globally.

Ransom notes on locked computer screens include Kiss Cam images of unfaithful executives and demand payments in Bitcoin.

“This proves we’re not safe anywhere,” said one CFO, speaking under the condition of anonymity. “As if the music wasn’t punishment enough, now I have to bring my actual wife to the Coldplay + Nickelback show on Saturday.”

Cyber insurance policies are reportedly stretched thin trying to cover both ransom payments and divorce settlements.