Seattle-based AI startup reveals the shocking truth: decades of mumbling lyrics were actually hiding Neil Diamond’s classic anthem.

“We’ve run the song through our lyric analysis engine 14 times,” said the AI company’s founder, “and the bridge just keeps coming back as ‘Sweet Caroline.’”

Coast to coast, hundreds of middle-aged men in cargo shorts have been seen burning Pearl Jam records in protest. “I thought I was grunge… I was Neil all along,” sobbed one fan.

Pearl Jam’s settlement with Neil Diamond includes:

• Co-writing credits and back royalties for Neil

• Eddie Vedder and Neil to record a Christmas album – profits to PETA

• Fenway Park sing-along will now feature “Sweet Caroline” AND one verse of “Yellow Ledbetter”