Citing energy savings and eco-conscious innovation, Microsoft’s new Outlook feature delays all outbound emails by 96 hours to “let the electrons chill.”

“Latency is the new sustainability,” a spokesperson announced from a carbon-neutral server room in Redmond.

In a surprise retaliatory response, Apple announced “iMail Eco+”, promising to deliver emails in just 72 hours.

“Faster. Greener. Still somehow unreadable in Gmail,” boasted the Apple press release.

Environmentalists are thrilled. Users… not so much.